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Tea went cold.
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Neighbour told me my new fence was banging. I said "Cheers mate, I'm really happy with it". Turns out he meant the wind was making the panels bang in the night, not that I'd done a banging job of putting it up.
224 comments ∙ ⬆︎30,247 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 year ago
What a fucking amazing train service our fucking train companies provide. We aren't stopping at your station today and we're going to wait until you're on the train to fucking tell you. Well worth the extra 3%, you fucking fuckers
1,274 comments ∙ ⬆︎27,122 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 11 months ago
It's been about 3 weeks since I asked some teenagers on the bus to turn their phones down and the adrenaline rush still hasn't subsided
565 comments ∙ ⬆︎23,385 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 years ago
BBC news didn't alert me when the Notre Dame burned down but sent me a news alert for the cancellation of The Jeremy Kyle Show
593 comments ∙ ⬆︎23,180 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 7 months ago
Finally plucked up the courage to tell the ‘drunk’ guy next to me on the bus to stop fiddling with the stranger in fronts’ hood and to stop laughing so loud, only to find out he wasn’t drunk and was actually mentally disabled and the guy in front was his carer
557 comments ∙ ⬆︎22,078 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 9 months ago
The 'mark yourself as safe' option on FB is reminding me how many of my friends are idiots. I know you're safe. You are unemployed and live in Watford.
1,230 comments ∙ ⬆︎21,637 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 2 years ago
I asked a cashier dressed as an Elf in Tesco if he was in charge of 'Elf 'n' Safety. He turned and gave me a thousand yard stare, as if he were longing for euthanasia.
349 comments ∙ ⬆︎21,001 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 year ago
On an overnight flight to london with wifi on board, and someone was using it to FaceTime and wake us all up. We all tutted and shook our heads at each other until a non-Brit told him to shut the fuck up and we could all go back to sleep.
887 comments ∙ ⬆︎19,941 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 2 years ago
Deciding between wanting Croatia to lose cause they beat us or wanting France to lose cause they're French.
746 comments ∙ ⬆︎19,822 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 year ago
Ten years ago, I mentioned to my OH's family, that I liked cheese. Its Boxing Day, which means that we're going to visit them, and there'll be a cheeseboard that only I will eat, whilst they all watch and comment on how much I like cheese. It's a predicable annual event now.
791 comments ∙ ⬆︎18,696 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 11 months ago
May we have your attention please: The train mmbmbgnmmbm bbmbvnvmmvcb mbvmv mbvnmbv mbvnmbv bnbcmbv. Thank you.
437 comments ∙ ⬆︎18,576 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 year ago
Getting a taxi home, pointing out to the driver they missed a turning but, oh no, they know a quicker way mate. Then, sitting there in a silent rage watching the meter tick higher and higher and you both know full well they're ripping you the fuck off....
1,120 comments ∙ ⬆︎17,865 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 year ago
Heading out of the house, forgetting something, coming back in to grab it, greeted with: "that was quick". Every. Fucking. Time.
414 comments ∙ ⬆︎17,065 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 2 years ago
Video games are never set in the UK because the player couldn’t plausibly keep stumbling upon hoarded assault rifles, pistols, body armour, and ammunition in our tiny houses.
1,096 comments ∙ ⬆︎16,727 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 years ago
Argos: "Would you like to buy extended warranty for just £45?" No. "Would you like a store card to spread the payments over 12 months?" No. "Can I have your email address?" No. Just give me the fucking toaster.
925 comments ∙ ⬆︎16,682 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 years ago
That sinking feeling when you have zero interest in football but you child is developing a clear passion for it. Oh God, now I'll have to hang out with Football Dads.
984 comments ∙ ⬆︎16,629 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 year ago
Handing a £10 note to a bus driver and they look at you like you've just tried to pay with a fucking Spanish Doubloon
1,005 comments ∙ ⬆︎16,252 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 11 months ago
To the one guy at Kings Cross that pushed his way onto the train as people were getting off. We all saw you. We all despise you.
464 comments ∙ ⬆︎15,880 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 years ago
I take my daughter to ballet lessons, and read in the cafe/lounge area while she’s being taught. Today, despite the empty tables and my hardback book, a stranger sat next to me and told me about their Christmas.
519 comments ∙ ⬆︎15,622 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 years ago
A guy sat opposite me on the train shouted ‘MATE’ to get my attention as I had forgotten something when I got up. He passed me the item and then apologised for ‘being rude’ as he had to shout to get my attention. So British it hurts!!
236 comments ∙ ⬆︎15,529 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 year ago
I just said 'Good Morning' to someone at the exact same time as he said it to me but he said it louder so I wasn't sure whether I needed to repeat myself or whether he'd heard me the first time. I decided not to repeat myself at risk of coming across as rude
223 comments ∙ ⬆︎14,822 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 2 years ago
Shop at Lidl/Aldi and can't pack as fast as the cashier throws it at you? The cashier has to stop to look up fruit/vegetables on the EPOS system, so leave them loose and tactically distribute them throughout the conveyor belt to give you valuable extra seconds!
835 comments ∙ ⬆︎14,691 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 year ago
I live in Amsterdam. People drink tea from glasses here. They leave the bag in for all of 3 seconds, then reuse it several times. Send help.
1,424 comments ∙ ⬆︎14,477 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 years ago
Bus gave me an old £1 coin in my change. Won’t accept the same £1 when I pay the next day because it’s an old £1 coin.
622 comments ∙ ⬆︎14,406 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 2 years ago
A well known British electrical retailer just said that they couldn’t install my new oven because the previous oven hadn’t been wired up properly, despite the fact that they wired up the last one.
498 comments ∙ ⬆︎14,091 ∙ ⬇︎0 ∙ posted 1 year ago